Almost Real

Today has been almost like what my new life will be.  Alone.

My former parents’ in-law came today and took those pavers they had wanted to so badly.

I stayed up until almost 5am in the hopes that I would sleep until they had all left, unfortunately my bladder couldn’t hold out.

So I got up and relieved myself and hoped to go back to sleep.  I couldn’t.  What I heard was very interesting however.

My soon to be ex-wife finally told her parents just what she’s doing.  They were obviously not happy about it.  Her mom said “You are rushing things, and it’s not good.”  Most of the time, I wouldn’t agree with her mother – but I do on this.  She’s running, and I wished she would just tell me what she running from or to.

Once they left, I hit the road and went to my other ex’s to see my daughter and get away.  We talked and had some good times.  Once my current wife and daughter left, I went back home.  I’ve been watching Netflix and getting used to the beauty of the silence in my home.

It’s dark, and depressing.  It’s my new normal.  Thankfully Netflix does a good job of helping me escape.  I know there’s a big chunk of me that needs to do just that right now, I just worry about being stuck in this world.


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A House, but No Longer Home

The packing of things has commenced, and it’s made me extremely depressed.  Most of the things that genuinely made this house our home are packed or in the process of being packed away.

It began last night.  I picked up my eldest daughter, and we had a nice family meal and then spent the entire evening packing up her room.  She didn’t want to take much home, I’ll keep her things until I can either restore her room to the way it was or she gets her own place.  The 1 thing I provided that child that made me proud was stability.  I was able to do that for almost 14 years.  She never had a question about anything at her dads.  Now all of that has gone out the window.

Tomorrow my ex-in law’s are driving 180 miles round trip, to retrieve about $10 in concrete pavers they gave us.  I really don’t get it at all.  It’s just 1 item that’s quickly becoming a laundry list of things that I’ll have to replace.

My TV, which lately has become my gateway to escape via Netflix is being taken from me.  I specced it out, and it’s the first flat screen HDTV that I’ve ever been able to call mine.  She’s taking it, god knows that she doesn’t need it where she’s going.  So I bought a new one tonight, a UHD (ultra high-definition) one.  I really shouldn’t have, but it felt so good.

Also tomorrow she’s also taking our daughter to meet her new “family” as I like to call it. (this is the part of this post where I get a bit hasty).  They’re going to go bowling (all 7 of them) and then my daughter is going to learn about where she’ll be living.  That mommy is going to be sleeping, kissing and doing god knows what else with someone who isn’t daddy, and that she’ll be living 30 miles away from everything she’s ever known in life.  I should put her in counseling now, and save the adult version of her from thinking this is normal behavior, running from a marriage into a serious relationship.

What my soon to be ex-wife is doing just blows my mind.  I shouldn’t concern myself with her anymore, and I shouldn’t even ponder these things but I can’t help it.  I vowed my life to her.  I don’t want to see her unhappy, and I don’t want to see her in an environment that isn’t conducive to her happiness.  That is what it seems like she is doing however.

I do have some good news though, the thing that I thought would be impossible actually is possible!  I have a very good chance at saving my home, and on my own.  So I’m taking that opportunity and seeing where it leads me.  I’ve changed insurance companies, as our homeowners policy had doubled in price in just 2 years.  I’m doing a lot of cost cutting, and it feels nice.

The future looks bright, but the present is so dark.  She said that she wanted this divorce so “we could heal the damage we have done to each other”.  Let me repeat, those are the words she spoke.  Her track record with her actions haven’t been matching those words at all.  Time will only tell if they do.  I’m not expecting them to, but it’s the only thing my heart wants.

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Of Mice and Men

I never read the book, but I did see the 1992 film that’s roughly based on it.  I’m starting to feel a lot like Lennie as of late.  I seem to be excellent at ruining any good things I have in life through actions that seem harmless to me.  The results of my actions never bring good things, the things I hoped.  They always bring the opposite.

The world is becoming more dark, and more scary to me lately.  I don’t know what to say about it, but it makes me want to hide in my shell and never come out again.  That is my current plan.

I had to say goodbye to a friend who’s been a breath of fresh air and at times the only person to give me a dose of reality.  Her husband has decided that he no longer wants to be a man, and in turn no longer wants her.  She came here for him, and this morning began the journey all the way across the country to where she came from.  I’ll miss her greatly.  I didn’t get to actually see her much, as our schedules just didn’t sync that much, but our talks were always a great motivator for me.

My motivations in life are currently focused on saving my home.  People are over rated at this point.  My hangup is that my connections to others have always made me feel whole, like a regular person.  I need to learn to love the freak I am within.  I shall drown my sorrows in whiskies and Netflix.  It’s a good distraction, and distraction is the only thing that is going to help me through life at this point.

I don’t need to change myself and “be” something for someone.  I don’t need to look for someone, I don’t want to anyway.  It just really hurts when being yourself is given the same negative reactions that caused me to be anti-social in the first place.

My biggest hangup is that I honestly don’t know what makes “me” happy anymore.  I gave everything of my being to my marriage.  What made me happy was to see my wife and children happy.  To bring them happiness, made me happy.  I’m loss as to how to change that.

So there you have it.  I feel like a socially awkward, mentally disabled 35-year-old who kills the things he loves the most.  I’m emotionally damaged to the point where I can’t understand how that can possibly change.

I have to learn how to live with that or it will destroy me.

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Yesterday, I became something I never thought I would be, a landlord.  I don’t know how to think of it exactly.  I’m just trying to save my house, but I know I can’t do it on my own.  I’ve been talking to this guy for a while now, he’s in the area for a while on some family business.

Now to find a 2nd tenant, as much as I’d love to just have 1 room mate, I can’t really swing it that way, as my income will soon be dropping by $200 a month.

I have a prospect, but I’m unsure if the reward is worth the risk with this one.  It’s my (now get ready for this) ex step aunt’s son, or could be explained as my half sister’s cousin.  He is supposedly a high functioning person with autism.  His mom called me and said that she wants him to be a little more independent and leave the nest.

I worry that his mom might take that as an invite to be a 2nd tenant, and want me to take over all of his needs.  I have enough on my plate, I’m just renting out space here I have enough projects in life.

I’m working on several angles at the moment.  I have 2 upcoming job interviews that could potentially take some of the pressure off of me.  While I do enjoy the role I’m in currently, I know it’s just a stepping stone for me.  I’m also trying to get my mortgage payment lowered.  I’m also going to see if I can get my escrow account closed and pay for my insurance and taxes directly.  My mortgage payment isn’t really the issue, it’s that escrow account.

The reality of my new life is starting to become actuality.  It scares me.

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The Things We Do for Those We Love

I had quite the adventure yesterday.  My high school sweetheart and mother of my eldest daughter, asked me if I wanted to go out-of-town with her.  She and I are on really good terms and due to my situation I’m always looking for a reason to escape.  So I agreed.

Her niece, who will always be a niece to me was in some trouble.  She was practically being held captive in her baby daddy’s parents’ home.  They took her car keys, shut off her cell phone and even made it so she couldn’t access wireless internet from within the home.  She was made a prisoner from within the home she’s lived in for the past year.

She has a daughter and is pregnant with their son’s child.  Her relationship with him has been on the rocks, and they gave her an eviction notice, effective November 1st.  I can’t even comprehend this fully.  Is this how you treat the mother of your grandchildren?

When my ex and I were together, it was a tradition of sorts for her and I to watch her (she was under 10 at the time) every NYE.  It was weird to be a teenager and feel at ease to play family for a night, but they are fond memories that I genuinely cherish.

She lives almost 4 hours away, so we left my house at 8am and started on the journey.  We had lots of talks and connection between the 2 of us.  We’ve had our ups and downs but we’ve smoothed them out over the years and are really good friends and co-parents.  We still struggle with some things our daughter does (or doesn’t do), but we are proud of the person she has become on the inside.  If she would only bring those amazing qualities out for the world to see.

So we get there, and get a uhaul truck and drive to the location where K is staying.  I’ll keep her name is as that.  We pull into the driveway and one of the homeowners tell us to get off the property, so we oblige.  My ex and the homeowner then get into a somewhat heated shouting match.  I’m not there to do anything but move stuff, but it’s even stressful on me.

My ex calls the police, and they show up.  The guy is from Bloomington and graduated from BHS (when Bloomington only had 1 high school).  He then tells us that he knows the homeowners.  K comes out, and they lock the door behind her, at first they refuse to let her get any of her things.

Again, I don’t understand.

After a standoff of sorts, things start to come.  At first I wasn’t sure how little or how much we would get.  We eventually filled an entire uhaul truck.  I was kinda shocked at the amount of stuff she had.

We then quickly unloaded most of it into a storage unit K had purchased and then went to dinner with K and the on again off again boyfriend and her daughter.  My ex had them do a birthday thing for me (which embarrasses the hell out of me) but it was quick, and she’s fun.  She bought me dinner too, I’m appreciative.

By this time it was 6:30pm and the ex and I were on our last bits of energy.  We were tired and still had almost a 4 hour drive home.  We got to the place where K was going, and had to unload the rest of the truck up 3 flights of stairs.  She and I were ruined by that.  We dropped the truck back off at uhaul.

I made a big mistake when we dropped the truck off.  I had found an 80’s station and this infectious tune came on.  I cranked it up and it took all the pain and frustration from the day away for me.  I had turned the cab and cargo area lights on so my ex could clean it out, locked the doors and forgot to turn them off.  She put the keys in the drop off and we had no way to turn them back off.

We then finally made the journey home.  I made it home right around 11:30pm, and took a shower and went to bed.

The lesson here?  I had a full day, and I accomplished something.  It was selfless, it was for someone I love.  I’m starting to really feel like an adult (weird to finally think that at 35, I know).  Don’t worry, be happy.  It’s a new way to look at life.

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Today’s Been a Good Day

To give props to Ice Cube, I haven’t had to use my AK because today has been a good day.

I woke myself up this morning via my alarm clock.  Something I haven’t had to really do in many years, as my wife preferred to wake me up.  It was nice to feel her hand touch me to let me know the morning was here, time to get ready for the day.

I’m starting to appreciate the things that I no longer have.  It hurts my soul tremendously.

I came to work, and it’s been a good day so far (still have 4 hours).  I have a couple of errands to run after.  I’m not stressed, I’m not highly emotional.  I’m in a state that’s hard to describe at best.

The best thing I can do at this point is remember the good times, and try to forget the bad ones.  I’m losing the best thing that has ever happened to me.  They say when one door closes another one opens.  For me, this has never been true.  It’s always been a situation where I’m trapped in that room until I can find a way to get out of it.

I’m trying my hardest to not be trapped.  That’s what has made today a good day.

UPDATE:  Of course I was being way too optimistic in my post.  I ended up getting my theoretical AK out, and we had a full on argument.  I think there is much built up inside the both of us, and knowing the fact that neither of us like to argue – we go all out over IM.  The wise part of me knows that no healing will begin until we get those frustrations out, whatever the outcome may be.

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The National Rifle Association

A few months ago, I purchased my second handgun.  This is the first public mention of it.  The model to be exact is a Taurus P111 G2, chambered in 9mm.  It’s a great compact concealed carry weapon.  I happen to be a firm believer in the 2nd amendment, but I do believe certain views of it are outdated and some change needs to happen.

I was raised with weapons all around me, and have always been a natural with whatever firearm I shoot.  Whether it be a handgun, an AK-47 or a shotgun.  I’m a good aim.  With that much power, comes responsibility.  I’m a responsible firearm owner, and hold human life higher than anything else and would only take a life in the defense of another.  I wanted to join the military but a diagnosis of epilepsy at 16 prevented that from happening.

With the number of mass shootings in this country skyrocketing by the day, I sometimes don’t feel safe anywhere I go.  I had a gun pulled on me in my early 20s by someone who can only be best described as a hoodlum.  It scared me right to a gun shop.  The fact that I work at a very large geographical location that bans weapons from being held by anyone but police?  I don’t want to die at my job because someone didn’t like the support we gave them just like I don’t want to die while watching a movie.

As a part of the purchase of the firearm, I was given a free 1 year membership to the NRA (National Rifle Association).  I took it, and accepted a subscription to one of their magazines, called “America’s 1st Freedom.”  At first glance, I just received the 2nd one today this is a magazine filled with very right-wing values.  Any views or stances against a militarized population who has access to full automatic weapons seems to be against their views.

I joined to get an insider’s perspective, and while I totally understand the whole left/right perspective to get a middle consensus, this is just unhealthy.  They seem to be a breeding ground for the mental issues that seem to be the majority of reasons for the mass shootings I spoke of earlier.  You would totally think than an organization such as the NRA would want a healthy talk of different viewpoints, and healthier individuals sending their message across the country.  This is not the feeling I get from their literature.

Regardless your views, without weapons we would not have been able to overthrow the British.  It’s only right that we have the same capabilities in proportion if actual government tyranny were to happen again.

My view is pretty simple and understandable.  Wouldn’t criminals be very leery of committing crimes if they knew a majority of individuals were armed?  It’s not about being loud and proud.  It’s about being silent and at the ready, much like the minutemen of the 18th century.  You only get one life, and I don’t want mine ending for reasons other than my body being finished.

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I’m in a mood to just get a lot of things out.  They may not be clear thoughts, they may not be proper thoughts.  They are however my thoughts.  My mind destroys me at times, I’ve been told it’s a common Scorpio trait.

I’ve had 2 serious romantic relationships in my life.  In those relationships, the female was always very quick to take the lead on just about everything.  I just seemed to be there for the ride.  Hindsight is 20/20, but it’s definitely a part of the equation in the breakdown of my marriage and previous relationship.

My love affair with technology is too much for women to handle at times.  Why?  My computer never judges me for not earning enough.  My computer never makes me feel like a bad father because X, Y, or Z are doing things with their children that I do not.  If you want to make me feel judged, I will hide.  My flight instinct is the strong one.

Going back to hindsight, I should have divorced her when I discovered her secret email account containing her relationships with other men.  Of course I couldn’t though, because I loved this woman with everything of my being.  So stupidly I offered an open marriage as a choice.  Not because I wanted to but because I’m horrible with ultimatums.

I’m still paying the price for that decision.  I will be doing so for the rest of my days.

I should have never became paranoid that she was going to leave me, the present is proof of it.  This turned me into a monster of epic proportions.  Key loggers, hidden cameras, constant surveillance.  I used my IT skills for evil for the first time in my life really.  It became a cat and mouse game.  I just wanted to ensure I got the truth.  I still firmly believe I’ve only gotten half-truths since I’ve given up my ways.

That’s the other part of the equation in the break down in our marriage.  It’s hard for either of us to believe a thing the other says.

Today has been somewhat heated between her and I for some reason, and I’m not exactly sure why.  Is it the culmination of all of these things floating around my brain?  Possibly.  Is it the fact that I feel very alone in the world right now?  More than likely.  It’s come to the point where a bad interaction is better than no interaction at all.

I’d rather have a fist fight than make love.  It’s sad, but it’s what has become of me.


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The 5 Stages

I’ve been thinking about the Kübler-Ross model for stages of grief, it has 5 of them to be exact.  I didn’t really go through that with the loss of my father.  He lived a good life, and I was proud of him as a person.  The biggest problem I had was the loss of his presence.  He gave me comfort.

With the divorce however, I have definitely seen myself slide through those stages.

  • Denial

I was in denial for a long time.  Years to be exact.  She did many things that I was in denial about.  But did I ever think she’d actually file for divorce and be so head strong about it?  It still blows my mind.  There is nothing to deny now however, it’s all a matter of record and it’s pretty obvious that the feelings she once had for me have resided.

Sadly my candle of hope lingers on.  There is a big piece of me that wonders if she’s just checking other yards to see if the grass is greener, or has an urge to dip her toes in the pool of men in the world.  Time will tell us all.

  • Anger

The easiest of emotional states to be in.  I still get triggered from time to time.  Right now, I feel as a failure, not just to two children and to a wife but to myself.  Then to add another person to the mix who can slide right in and do all of those things we did as a family?  That’s below the belt in my book, but he’s just a “friend.”  I’ve threatened to kill people, I’ve pondered committing suicide.  It’s so easy to go there.  It’s blown me away how easy it is to think these thoughts during such a hard time.  My mind is very much like the Billy Joel song “I Go To Extremes.”  For me it’s always been a defense mechanism.  You know if I care about something if I get angry about it because I fight for it.

  • Bargaining

I still do this from time to time.  As I’ve said previously, I’ll always want her back.  I will be married to her in my soul forever.  I still tell her that too, hoping she will say something similar and justify what I have just said.  I never get direct answers however, just enough to make my addictive personality want another fix.  There really has been no real bargaining, just dealings with an emotional terrorist of sorts.

This will stop swiftly I’m sure, as her words have a way of calming me but her actions do the opposite.  There’s no reason to bargain with someone who is actively making these choices.

  • Depression

I currently reside in a state that bounces between this stage and the final stage, acceptance.  I definitely have my fair share of good days, and bad ones.  I had my first shower in 5 days today!  Why be clean when you have no one to be clean for?  Why be a good and productive person when the reasons for doing so no longer exist?  I’ve been thinking a lot about my dad lately, as he was about the same age as I and I was about the same age as Amelia when my own parents divorced, 5 months difference to be exact.  (That factoid REALLY hurts my soul) What would dad have done?  The only things I have to motivate me are my technology, my home and my job and the status of one of those things is questionable.  For a person whose only dream in life was to be married and have a family, it’s like being the king of a kingdom of 1.

Many have told me to seek counseling.  I actually had a few months of counseling in the spring, and stopped when she decided she wanted to “try” again.  I’ve had so many years of counseling in my life that I’m not sure how it would help at this point.  Psychological tools won’t help me.  Removing the pain and torment through any means necessary will.  I think this is a fine time to take up something I’ve had very fine control on most of my life, alcohol.

  • Acceptance

I’ve accepted the fact that my life as I’ve known it is no more.  I’ve been living it for 6 weeks at this point.  I’ve accepted the fact that the person I vowed my life to no longer loves me romantically.  I’ve accepted the fact that my 6 year old daughter will soon share something with her 16 year old half-sister that I never thought would happen, that I never wanted to happen.  A thing that scarred me so badly it caused me to try to get a vasectomy right after my eldest was born (I was refused that by 3 doctors by the way).  Something only their father genuinely understands from their perspective.  All of those previous statements depress me, and that’s why I’m in an if statement with no exit strategy at the moment.


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Back to the Grind

Today is my first day back at work since the procedure.  I’m tired and in some pain still.  Primarily because the chair I’m forced to sit in gives too much support in that area.  I have no options or alternatives.

Over the past few years, I’ve become addicted to something that’s really hard to let go of.  Talking to people.  It may sound odd or peculiar but it’s true.  I talk to people from the moment I wake up until the time I go to sleep.  It really has controlled my life.  So I’m really working on cutting that back.  My first step is to cut out the amount at which I speak to others.  I’ve done pretty good at that.  It’s really shown me some things about myself and where I stand in other peoples lives.  The connections I’ve made with others mattered much more to me than it mattered to others, at least their lack of action has proven that to me.

Last night I received a promising call.  A gentleman would like to rent a room in my home.  He wants to sign the lease and move in as soon as my soon to be ex wife and daughter are out.  He should be in town until April or May.  So not long term, but better than nothing.  That’s all I can expect at this point really.   I can only assume my ad on Craigslist for renting out my home will be there in perpetuity, amongst all of the high priced places for $600 a room.

I’m writing in this blog at the moment because my mind wants to get all of these thoughts out, but I’m tired of talking people just to talk.  So I shall broadcast instead.

I miss talking to my wife.  I will totally put the blame on my addiction on her.  It was with her that I would talk all day every day through instant message about our days, while we carpooled together.  It gave us closeness that I don’t think many people understood.  Now that closeness is gone, and even though we still talk there is a irrefutable *thing* in the air that keeps us distant.

I’ve tried all of the online dating sites.  Wow.  It’s appalling actually.  Most of the womens’ entries have along the lines of “I like campfires and fishing, and my kids always come first” with typically a line in there about being tired of games, lies and hookups.  Such an aggressive stance for someone reaching out, no?  It makes a guy like me run for the hills actually.  That’s just the first gate, the hurdle is even messaging most of them as many of the sites require you to pony upwards of $70 a month for the opportunity.  Not money I’m willing to spend.

So I’ve went to my past, and tried to re-forge connections.  I’ve reconnected with a girl (now woman) who I’ve had a crush on since middle school.  Come to find out, she and I are very similar.  Sometimes it’s downright scary how much.  It isn’t the right time for anything more than forging that bond though, as she and I are both badly damaged from relationships.  Which is fine for me.  I’m trying to forget the past by creating a new future.  The more things I can do with the more people, the better I am mentally.

Other than that, the world is pretty dark right now.  The uncertainties in my life are driving me insane.  I’m not sure if I’ll be able to rent out enough of my home to keep it.  If I can’t keep it, I will need to get rid of most of the remaining things of the house and pare down my things until they fit in a room.

So in many ways, I’m not just losing a relationship.  I’m losing everything I’ve spent the last 14 years of my life on.  It’s a bitter pill, but I’m swallowing it because I have no other option.


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We all have vows we make.  To others, to ourselves and to higher powers.

To me there has only been 1 vow that meant anything in my entire life, my wedding vows.  I said them before an audience of friends and family in a church where 3 generations of my family were married.

It was an event I looked forward to my entire life, and was indeed worthy of what I had imagined.  Yes guys think of their wedding day.  They may not plan it like women do, but they certainly have ideas.

Not to turn this personal blog into a place for political discussion and opinion, but marriage as a social issue has been a big-ticket item lately.  The 1 thing you don’t hear about are those who follow through on the “til death” part, even if they do end up divorced.  My grandmother did that, and I am doing the same.

Just so it’s clear, I’m going to all caps bold proclaim it.  I AM NEVER GETTING MARRIED AGAIN*

You’ll notice the * there.  The reason you ask?  It’s simple, I vowed my life to 1 person.  She may not feel the same anymore, and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.  But if at any point in time she decides she wants me back into her life, I cannot do anything but welcome her back with open arms.  Why?  Because again, I vowed my life to her.  She holds a spot in my heart and soul right next to my children for the rest of my life.

Just because she doesn’t hold those words she spoke to me as in high of regard as I do, doesn’t give me the right to throw them away as she has done.

Many have said that this will cause any potential love interests to run away.  If so, they aren’t the right person for me.  If I end up alone for the rest of my life, that is how I shall be.  This is how important that vow is to me.

Right now, I feel as if I wasted my vow.  Hope is a dangerous thing however, and there is a candle of hope deep within that is burning for the memory of those vows we said to each other on August 14th, 2004.  I only hope that she feels the same.

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She’s Moved On

6 weeks ago, my partner of 14 years and my wife of 11 filed for divorce.  The reasons are varied, and according to her it’s something that must be done.  I simply see it as giving up.  Giving up on a lifelong vow, giving up on a family, giving up on a relationship and giving up on a person.

I’m not going to go on and on about how she shouldn’t do this, how I want her back, or anything like that because it won’t do me any good.  It’ll only add hurt to a soul who’s been tortured his entire life.

The big reason for the divorce is trust.  We have destroyed that in each other.  Secondly, she no longer loves me.  The why part is hard to digest and hard to explain.  She’s fallen for the charms of another man, one who has just divorced himself.  Rebound anyone?

All requirements for the divorce to be finalized are completed except for a 60 day waiting period and a judges’ signature.  There is no going back.  We have split everything up except for our home of 9 years, which I am trying to save.  Neither of us can afford it on our own.  I am trying to get a couple of room mates to help me pay for the mortgage and utilities, as well as trying to do something to lower the mortgage payment by any means necessary.

If that plan fails, our home will simply go back to the bank and I will be on the other side of that door.  I will be seeking a room to rent, as I certainly cannot afford to rent even a 1 bedroom apartment in this town anymore.  This is the reality of my life now.

People try to help, but many of their words hurt more than help.  Telling me to “love my children” does the opposite of helping me.  I see my children and I see 2 failures in my life.  I see the 2 women who loved me, but decided to love someone else instead.  I see 2 relationships and 2 families that are irrevocably damaged.  I see 2 children who will (and have) have to endure the same things I never wanted for my children, at all costs.  The moving back and forth, the split holidays, the split everything.  Because of that, I feel like I failed them.  I can’t let them know, but that’s how I feel inside.

A lot of people wonder why fathers abandon their children.  It’s just a guess, but I wouldn’t be surprised if that was a common thought with divorced and separated fathers.  No, I’m not abandoning my children.  Do I want to see them and love them?  Not really at this time, it hurts more than seeing the face of my soon to be ex.  It’s as if I have to remove those memories from my brain in order to move forward, a hard but not impossible task.

I was pretty fortunate as a child, and I believe my children are as well.  The 1 and only thing I wanted for them was to have a “nuclear” family.  The 1 thing I never got.  The 1 thing I’ll apparently never be able to provide them.

Life goes on however, and so will I.

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Baby Maker: Offline

On Thursday I underwent a procedure that eliminates my ability to have anymore children, called a vasectomy.

Sexual health and responsibility is something that is often placed on women, entirely.  I know that throughout my entire life, it has been that way.  My mother had a tubal ligation after the birth of my sister, and I’ve always relied on the women in my life for that responsibility.  I didn’t actively refuse, it just happened that way.

Children are often called a blessing in life, and I totally agree.  They however were never an “active” thought for me.  They just happened.  I never “wanted” children in my mind, I did welcome them into my life however.  Some may not like to hear that opinion from a father, but it’s how I’ve always felt.  Over the years I’ve had to, or have been asked to censor myself, but no more.

I have 2 daughters, and I’m almost 35.  I don’t want anymore children, and it’s only fair and proper that I take a stance on that.  I’m also never getting married again, but that’s another tale for another post.

I was quite nervous for the procedure.  I’ve had numerous surgeries and procedures done on me over the years, but nothing in the general vicinity.  I was prescribed a pain pill and xanax to take 30 minutes before the procedure to calm me and help.  They certainly did.  I knew a needle would be entering my scrotum to dispense a general anesthetic.  This was the part that concerned me the most, I’m not sure why because I didn’t even feel it.  The urologist then cut a small hole into my scrotum and pulled my vasa deferentia out, one at a time.  He then clamped each one individually, cleared some nerve endings off them.  He then cut them in 2 places and cauterized both of them and placed them back.  He then placed a couple of disovable stitches on the hole.  Procedure done.

I asked if I could keep the 2 inch long piece of each of my vas deferens that he had snipped, but unfortunately he had to keep them for “legal reasons.”  It would have been nice to keep that piece of myself for some interesting reason.

While I technically can no longer deliver fresh sperm to an egg, I can cause a pregnancy for 3 months, as the sperm like to hang on for dear life.  So I have to give a sample in 3 months to ensure infertility.  I have also read in some parts of the internet that a yearly test is a good idea as well.

It was literally easier as far as pain goes than getting blood drawn.  I’m surprised every man doesn’t have this done at some point their life.  With the Affordable Healthcare Act, this procedure is paid for 100% by insurance, making it even more of a no brainer.

For the first 36 hours or so, I became close friends with 3 bags of frozen peas.  As of today, I still have a little pain, but have given the peas a break.  I’ve been a bump on a log and stayed on my couch.

I look forward to not worrying about the potential of becoming a father, because I did something about it.

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The Brightest Burn Out the Quickest

My father was the person who never gave up on me in life.  Due to his own personal issues, I faced a lot of pain and mental anguish but he was always there and never questioning.  When I became an adult, I made the realization that he was doing the best he could with the tools he had and forgave any transgressions I had.

Me & Dad, Halloween 1985

From as early as I can remember, he was my buddy.  We did everything together.  I formed a lot of myself in his image.  To this day people that knew him even sometimes call me by his name.

He gave me gifts that I still treasure to this day.  The love of the open road, the beauty of music and comedy and I’m just starting to embrace his love of being a people person.

He was an amazing grandparent and loved his grand daughters more than I ever knew he could.  While he was nervous with Taylor, primarily because he never had a daughter. But when Amelia came around, he welcomed her with open arms.  It was a beautiful thing to see them love each other in the way a grandparent-grandchild should.  It was one of the things that actually gave me a deep love for having children.

Dad & Amelia

Dad grew up without a father, and very poor.  While he never spoke with me about it directly, I can only imagine that is why he was such a good father and provider for me.  He always jumped head first into anything I became excited about and would support me in any way doing so.  I often question my own parenting abilities based on his example.

He was a hard working man his entire life, working sometimes 36 hours straight while I was a child.  The last decade of his life he worked in a custodial role at IU at night, while taking film classes at IU during the day.  A passion he had and kept his entire life.  He dreamed of becoming a Stanley Kubrick.  He became a kid with the thoughts of the film making process.  He loved using his grand daughters as subjects for his films.

When I got my first full time job in 8 years, dad was so proud that he made an announcement in front of our family at Thanksgiving.  That would be the last time I saw my father alive.

My stepmother, for whom many of my struggles as a child were caused by did a complete turn and seemed genuine for the first time since I can remember.  She involved me in much of the process, and paid for everything.  She provided me with an inheritance and I am now the proud owner of dad’s truck.  Most of my memories of him were of our times in a vehicle.  So it means a lot to me.

We were never a father/son combo that said “I Love You” to each other much.  It was just always known and didn’t have to be said.  But I wanted to see it and be reminded of it for the rest of my life.  So I found a card that he wrote to me while I was at a camp as a teenager, and got the words he wrote tattooed on my left forearm.

Try to do me proud. This is ol’ Dad signing off. Love, Dad

Looking back, his death was a watershed moment in my life.  It was the moment when I decided that I no longer wanted my mother in my life.  Even though she was the only parent I had left.  It was the moment when I felt like much of the world I had built around me wasn’t as genuine as it appeared.  He was the glue that held many things in my life  together, without him those walls started falling.

Rest in peace dad.  You star was very bright, and I know it’s shining down on me.  I miss you, and will so forever.

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I’m Back!

After a very long hiatus, I’m back!

Much has happened in my life, too much to write in one post really.  So I’m going to give a summary of sorts and then expound on the issues.  Writing is therapy for me, and I need lots of therapy right now.

First of all, my wife and I of 11 years are divorcing.  The reasons are varied and many.  It’s the primary cause of the therapy I need, the things I need to get out.  She and I both did things that hurt each other, and destroyed our trust in each other.

Secondly, I got a vasectomy today.  In todays day and age, it’s important for men to take reigns in on their sexuality and responsibility for that.  After a test in 3 months to ensure of it, my baby making days are over.

Last but certainly not least, my father passed away last year in December.  To me it was the beginning of the end.  From there, as the Star Trek quote goes “chakka, and the walls fell.”  His death was really a watershed moment in my life.

I have some motivations to keep my mind off of the emotional and physical pain right now.  I’m trying to save my home.  Neither of us can afford it on our own.  I’ve put the last 9 years of blood, sweat and tears into this home and don’t want to give up on it lightly.  I’ve documented a lot of the work on this blog.  I’m currently trying to find people to rent out a couple of rooms from me.

I’m also trying to rediscover myself.  I gave my all to this marriage and lost the true meaning of me.  I’ve reconnected with my old friends and they have really helped me find the me within.  I miss that guy.

Like Martin Luther King Jr. so eloquently stated, “If you can’t fly run, if you can’t run walk, if you can’t walk crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.

My eyes are on just that, when they aren’t full of tears.

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New Venture

I’ve decided to quit waiting on a company to accept me for a position with them.  I’ve never been a popular person, or a person with inside connections.  It seems that in today’s rough job hunting climate that is exactly what you need in order to succeed or even get a foot in the door with a company.

I’ve decided to start a business, named Magitech.  Magitech will provide in home technology support services to people in the Monroe county, Indiana area.

I have always enjoyed giving support to people with technology, and hope to for the foreseeable future.

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1 Down

Tonight I finished the renovation of our master bathroom that I wrote about previously.  There’s still a little bit of touch up painting to do, but the real work is over.

I’ll let the pictures do the talking.  Here’s the highlights.

This bathroom is mainly used by my wife.  She picked basically everything, I’ve got to give it to her on her choices.  The finished room really looks nice!

The floor I installed was one of those “easy tongue and groove” systems.  It was not easy by any means.  I had to literally install it one way and then remove everything and install it another way.

I reused the toilet, but converted it to dual-flush.  It’s amazingly green.

Now it’s on to planning and preparing for “the big one.”  A complete demo and remodel of our main bathroom.  The pressure will really be on for this one as I don’t see my wife being happy with using our shower, which is located downstairs.

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Hidradenitis Supperativa

Such a strange term.  Almost impossible to pronounce.  This is the name for the condition that has dictated what is physically possible for me to do for the last 16 years of my life.

Never heard of it?  Neither had I until a random encounter with a good friend who has it as well.  I call her my ‘pain friend’ now.

Until a few years ago this painful condition was limited to my pelvic / upper thigh area.  I had my VNS device replaced in 2009 and the HS spread to my under arm area in a bad way.

The only way I have been able to control flare ups (which are horrible and debilitating) has been by shaving all areas of the body affected, using women’s anti-antiperspirant and doing as little physical labor as possible.  Now that routine is no longer effective.

My internist Dr. Bannec has helped me as far as his practice allows.  After a horrible experience with 1 of the 2 dermatologists in town (he just confirmed what I have and offered no real treatment plan), I’m looking for an expert.  No matter the distance or cost.

So far it appears that my closest options for experts in care are Detroit, MI and Cincinnati, OH.  Although it appears the guy in Ohio mainly deals with burn patients.

Once I graduate from Indiana University in December.  This will be my #1 life goal, to get this painful condition that has ruled my life for almost half of it, under control.

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Just testing the functionality of something I’m trying to use.  Just keep calm and carry on.

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A Dream Come True

Ever since I was a kid I have had a huge fascination with motorcycles.  Some of it was the fact that I never had one.  My best friend had one for a while, and I rode it like it was mine.  When I was 14, my dad bought the scooter my friend had at the time.  He in turn got a brand new one.  After a few months, someone sabotaged it.  I couldn’t get it started again.  I ended up selling it for $400 and bought a Sony Discman with it.  That’s right kids, CD players (especially portable ones) used to be really expensive.

It was a worthy investment.  I had that Discman for around 10 years.  I left it doing what it did best, spinning CD’s to play for customers at Big Red Liquors.

Back to the point.  That seed that was planted in me as a child never went away.  I don’t know if it was my mind yearning for times gone by, or if I just enjoyed motorcycles that much.

Due to my epilepsy, nobody felt comfortable with the idea of me even owning one, let alone riding one.  I understood, but wasn’t happy about it.  Since I’ve had my VNS implanted, I’ve only had 1 seizure due to me not taking my medicine.

A friend of mine was selling his motorcycle, and what blew me away is that it was my wife who suggested I look at it.  Any previous attempts to bring that subject up would be presented with “the look.”  I decided to pass on his, but since I had her “on the line” I thought I would keep looking, and I ended up falling in love.

I found an 1982 Honda CB750SC, commonly known as a Nighthawk on Craigslist.  It wasn’t perfect, and it’s almost as old as me.  The owner had done some customizing to it, which really makes it stand out.  After some back and forth about hearing it run, which I finally did, I bought it.

There’s just something about newer motorcycles that I just don’t like.  I think a large part of it is the lack of chrome and character I see in affordable models.  Harley’s look nice, but I’ve already got 1 mortgage.

As of right now the motorcycle is in pieces.  I’ve had to do a complete cleaning of the carburetors, the front brakes are not working and I’m having some work done to the plastic panels on it.

I can’t wait to get out on the road with her.  I just need a good name.  I’m hoping to have it road worthy by mid summer.  Just enough time to get some riding in.

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