I never read the book, but I did see the 1992 film that’s roughly based on it. I’m starting to feel a lot like Lennie as of late. I seem to be excellent at ruining any good things I have in life through actions that seem harmless to me. The results of my actions never bring good things, the things I hoped. They always bring the opposite.
The world is becoming more dark, and more scary to me lately. I don’t know what to say about it, but it makes me want to hide in my shell and never come out again. That is my current plan.
I had to say goodbye to a friend who’s been a breath of fresh air and at times the only person to give me a dose of reality. Her husband has decided that he no longer wants to be a man, and in turn no longer wants her. She came here for him, and this morning began the journey all the way across the country to where she came from. I’ll miss her greatly. I didn’t get to actually see her much, as our schedules just didn’t sync that much, but our talks were always a great motivator for me.
My motivations in life are currently focused on saving my home. People are over rated at this point. My hangup is that my connections to others have always made me feel whole, like a regular person. I need to learn to love the freak I am within. I shall drown my sorrows in whiskies and Netflix. It’s a good distraction, and distraction is the only thing that is going to help me through life at this point.
I don’t need to change myself and “be” something for someone. I don’t need to look for someone, I don’t want to anyway. It just really hurts when being yourself is given the same negative reactions that caused me to be anti-social in the first place.
My biggest hangup is that I honestly don’t know what makes “me” happy anymore. I gave everything of my being to my marriage. What made me happy was to see my wife and children happy. To bring them happiness, made me happy. I’m loss as to how to change that.
So there you have it. I feel like a socially awkward, mentally disabled 35-year-old who kills the things he loves the most. I’m emotionally damaged to the point where I can’t understand how that can possibly change.
I have to learn how to live with that or it will destroy me.